Moderating alcohol

Why don’t you have just one?

This innocent little question is probably the most difficult one a sober person has to deal with.  Not only do well-meaning friends and family ask this to your face on a regular basis but your alcohol voice (otherwise known as your ego) also pesters you constantly with this question.  I’m well-rehearsed at answering this now with a quick one-liner! One leads to five leads to dickhead!  I can’t just have one drink.  In fact, anyone who has decided to go sober probably can’t just have one.  If they could moderate at all, they would already be moderating and probably wouldn’t be sober.

So, let’s analyse this question and answer it once and for all:

First part of this is from my point of view, why would I want just one?  Why would anyone just have one.  What is the point in one?  One doesn’t get me drunk, which is the point of drinking alcohol, I think.  One only temporarily relaxes me and when it’s finished, I want another one so restricting myself to just one makes me miserable and irritable.  One means I am under the legal drink drive limit so I could risk driving and in honesty, isn’t that just ridiculous?  One does nothing for me whatsoever, so I don’t just want one.  One makes me want two, three, four, five and more and turns me into a complete dick so no thank you, I don’t want one.  One makes me feel groggy in the morning and it’s not worth it.  One is pointless in my mind which is why I never just had one and never wanted just one.  One drink is all I have to avoid to stay sober and I love being sober so stop feeling sorry for me.  It is easy to stop myself having the first drink, but I could never stop myself having the second.  One is the start of a chain reaction that I just don’t want or need anymore.

I don’t just want one.  One makes me want two, three, four, five and more and turns me into a complete dick so no thank you,

I can’t have just one!

The second part of this is from someone else’s point of view, why do you want me to have just one? Is it so that you feel better about having a drink? Is it so you don’t have to feel uncomfortable drinking around me? Is it so I fit in with you? Is it because if I have one you don’t have to have an entire bottle to yourself and that way you can say you moderated your drink? Is it because you are jealous that I don’t have to have one to enjoy myself? Is it so you don’t get uncomfortable that I don’t want to dance on the table or sing loudly or over animate when I talk? Is it because when I have one I have at least five and I am a bigger dick than you, so you aren’t the one with a drink problem? Is it so I don’t remind you of all the things you do when you are drunk because I don’t drink anymore? Is it because you think I am boring?

Is it all the above?

Just one doesn’t exist for me and that is the same for anyone who has decided to go sober.  So next time you ask me why I don’t just have one, my answer is because just one got me to this point in the first place.

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